The Intimacy Snare, Stabilizing Hormones and the NogginAs I had my early morning coffee, the "Dear Abby" column captured my eye. A reader composed in with a dating issue and ended her letter with that often-heard stereotype that "Women use sex to obtain love, and men utilize love to get sex." This is a great summation of the "Sex Trap."
The Sex Trap resembles the Love Trap, where songs interpret excellent sex as love. Those who fall into the Sex Trap go even further because for these songs, having sex carries tremendous significance and repercussions.
Singles fall into the Sex Trap in one (or both) of 2 methods:
A.they believe sex is a essential test of compatibility, (if the sex is good then the relationship will be great as well).
B.more typically, all consciousness heads out the window, and one or both formerly level-headed singles consider themselves a dedicated couple as soon as they have sex.
Rather than looking at whether this other person may be a match on levels other than physical destination-- such as long-lasting requirements, requirements, and wants-- they are blind-sided by the chemistry under the covers.
No doubt, it can be challenging to communicate with reality when all those hormonal agents are running wild. Our body responds to someone we are drawn in to by producing hormones such as PEA or phenylethylamine (natural amphetamine), dopamine and norepinephrine (natural mood enhancers), and testosterone ( boosts libido), makings the chance to make love with someone we are attracted to incredibly difficult to withstand. After orgasm, we produce oxytocin (which acts on the hypothalamus to produce feelings), which makes us feel really close to and bonded with our sex partner.
These chemical responses are uncontrolled and strong , leading to powerful feelings of destination, enjoyment, closeness, wellness, and love .
However when issues develop, those who fall into the Sex Trap often justify by believing, "Well, we've got problems, but the sex is great!" They more than likely would not admit it, but they focus on physical intimacy and concern the rest as optional. Their main scouting tools are sexual destination and directory physical compatibility.
Barry North, an RCI coach who works mostly with gay males, says that a lot of his clients have actually fallen into the Sex Trap.
" For gay men particularly in urban locations, sex is readily available, and that in itself is a trap," North states. Why waste your time if the sex isn't going to be great?".
North adds, "I presume this is a 'guy' thing rather than a 'gay' thing.".
I do wish to point out that chemistry is very important. Yet, chemistry is a offered that we can't control in a relationship; it is either there or not there, and it must be there for the partnership to work. If not there, we can't "make" chemistry occur, though often it can grow over time.
When the hormone-induced intoxication wears off and truth hits, Singles who pursue a relationship based upon sexual chemistry threat relationship failure.
To prevent the Sex Trap, you need to stabilize your heart (and hormonal agents) with your head. This suggests integrating chemistry with good sense. While good sex is essential for a sustainable relationship, you have to make your partner choices by paying full focus on your vision, worths, requirements, and goals -- while feeling all those exciting sparks!